Goldich v. Dylus
Issue
Proceedings & orders timeline
Oldest first- Aug 31, 2026Motion for a Draft Time Change filed by Marc Goldich (ECF No. 1).
- Sep 2, 2026Memorandum Opinion and Order of God Emperor Commissioner Dylus, Presiding Justice, denying the Motion with prejudice. Reasoning, in full: "I don't want to." Citing The Commissioner Says So, 1 F.F. 1 (perpetual).
- Sep 2, 2026Notice of Appeal and Emergency Motion for Reversal filed in the United States Fantasy Football Court of Appeals, a court established that afternoon.
- Sep 2, 2026Commissioner declines to read the appeal. Matter referred to the Office of the Clerk [trash bin].
- Sep 2, 2026Emergency Motion to Compel Judicial Review and to Vacate Improper Referral to the Clerk filed. Appellant objects to the Phantom Clerk Doctrine.
- Sep 2, 2026Appellant's filings published to X by Drew Hinkes. Views exceed 660,000. Commissioner's position on the merits unchanged; his position on fame, evolving.
- Sep 2, 2026Petition for certiorari before judgment GRANTED. Expedited briefing ordered. Briefs due Sep 4. Argument set for Sep 6 in the group chat.
- Sep 2, 2026Appellant announces in the League chat that he "voluntarily dismisses all remaining claims." Commissioner confirms the Draft will move to 10:00 p.m. "by authoritarian decree," citing his daughter's bedtime, and states: "I grant nothing."
- Sep 2, 2026Appellant notifies co-plaintiff David Lopez-Kurtz that costs will be apportioned equally among the named plaintiffs, and characterizes the outcome as a settlement in principle "with each side to bear its own costs and bribes."
- Sep 2, 2026Brief amicus curiae of Samir Patel, League Member and Holder of Zero Admin Keys, in support of appellee, filed. Argues the Commissioner holds the admin key, "I don't want to" is a valid oracle output, the trash bin is a burn address, and two is a group chat.
- Sep 2, 2026ORDER: motion to dismiss as moot (construed from the Commissioner's silence) DENIED. Voluntary cessation; capable of repetition yet evading review. Opinion to issue Sep 7 as scheduled. Aaron appointed Clerk of the Court on his own motion.
Background
The League Draft is scheduled for Tuesday, September 8, 2026. Marc Goldich, a league member, moved the Commissioner on August 31 to move it to 10:00 p.m. so that he and one other member, David Lopez-Kurtz, could attend Back-to-School Night at their children’s school, an event scheduled by persons Goldich describes as possessing “even greater arbitrary authority than the Commissioner: school administrators.”
Commissioner Erich Dylus, sitting as Presiding Justice of a court he styled the United States Fantasy Football Appeals Court, denied the motion with prejudice on September 2. His opinion identified the governing standard as whether he, “in his sole and gloriously arbitrary discretion, feels like granting the relief sought,” cited The Commissioner Says So, 1 F.F. 1 (perpetual), for the proposition that his jurisdiction is “plenary and unreviewable,” and resolved the question in three words. The order further directed that the Draft proceed “with all members in timely attendance and good spirits.”
Goldich appealed to the United States Fantasy Football Court of Appeals, which did not exist until he created it. The Commissioner responded that he was “not reading this essay” and referred the matter to the Office of the Clerk, which is a trash bin. Goldich moved to compel, then petitioned this Court for certiorari before judgment, on the ground that the court below cannot render judgment because the court below is also the Commissioner, and the Commissioner has referred himself to the trash bin’s jurisdiction, not the other way around.
The decree
Within hours of the filings going viral, the Commissioner moved the Draft to 10:00 p.m. He did so, in his words, “by authoritarian decree,” for the stated reason that the later time suits his daughter’s bedtime, and he insists that he “grant[s] nothing.” Goldich announced that he “voluntarily dismisses all remaining claims” and later described a “settlement in principle: 10P, with each side to bear its own costs and bribes.” The Court has declined to treat the case as moot: a decree that grants nothing protects nothing, and the conflict recurs annually.
What the Court granted
The petition is granted on all four questions. The case is set for expedited argument because the draft is Tuesday and the Court, unlike the Commissioner, is aware of the calendar.
The Court also directed the parties to brief the antecedent question of whether the Phantom Clerk Doctrine, under which a referral to a nonexistent officer terminates review, is consistent with Schrodinger v. Dylus, 3 F.F. 1 (2026), which held that an appeal “remains pending whether or not the Commissioner opens the PDF.”
Filings
